*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
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[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
On the next “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I investigate how there aren’t enough hangers for the clothes we washed when they were on hangers before we wore them.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
“I bought the biggest watermelon in the store!” —The person not cutting up the watermelon.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Blew out my flip flop…
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
oh my god
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
“This place couldn’t possibly get any messier!”
TODDLER: “Hold my bear.”
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.