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I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Him: Let’s role play.
Me: What did you have in mind?
Him: Well, I know how much you love the 80s…
Me: You want me to blow you like an Atari cartridge?
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.