[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
You Might Also Like
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
During a natural disaster be sure to keep your phone with you at all times. You never know when you might think of a joke to tweet.
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Just a friendly reminder!
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.