watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
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Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
The person who named Red Delicious apples should never be allowed to name anything again.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit