I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
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Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
bugs when you lift up a rock
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.