I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
OKAY DAD
When I was 9 months pregnant with my son, my mom & I were on the side of the road, struggling with a flat. A car with 4 men stopped, not to help, but to ask for directions to a local golf course.
My mom sent them 15 miles in the wrong direction.
She is the legend who shaped me.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
the three branches of government
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade