If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
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Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
i guess his teacher was really pissed
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Day 2 of my diet
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”