You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
S O O N
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
🤣dope
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what