scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
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*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
Just done a HIIT workout and if anyone sees me trying to do that again just go ahead and hiit me in the face
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Why am I like this?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?