*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
You Might Also Like
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
he was correct
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x