Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Oh hi lol
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”