🤣😂
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Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.