Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
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If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
History Channel, 1995: Here’s some things that happened
History Channel, 2005: Here’s some things that could have happened
History Channel, 2015: Here’s some things that realistically never happen
History Channel, 2025: Here’s some aliens that restore ice road trucks for war
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS