Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
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Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel