A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: we’re texting
Him: I heard it
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex