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Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Children are the best fundraisers because they don’t understand economics:
Principal: The student who raises $500 dollars for the school will get this free hat
12 year old me: That is such a great deal
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.