Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
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*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
We need a grocery store aisle for 4-year-olds’ unreasonable requests:
– Chicken nuggets but with fish (NOT fish sticks, are you insane?)
– Cold hot chocolate, but the marshmallows still melt
– Crackers with fewer crumbs (ok, that one’s for the parents, but still)
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My patronus is a cheeseburger
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl