Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
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My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
ALEX TREBEK: in einstein’s famous equation, this is equal to mc²
DOG:
CAT:
DOLPHIN: *furiously clicking buzzer*
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it