My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
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Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
EVERYONE *gasps*
ME: AND SO IS HE!
EVERYONE *gasps*
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
This made me chuckle.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own