*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
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THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
*serious situation*
My brain:
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Best spot.. 😅
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked