Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
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In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
Open an ice cream shop with flavors like “don’t be sad,” “they’re not worth it,” “you deserve better” and see if people don’t flock right in
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Why don’t we raise more chickens that lay Cadbury Creme Eggs so we can have them year-round?
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Eleven out of ten people are stupid.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If I were rich, I’d have big soft monogrammed towels for when I bathe at the gas station.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
Fidel Castro was alive?
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”