Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
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After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…
I was shocked.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.