When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
Why is everyone getting married at me
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun