Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
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[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?
*later walking home*
Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
Dating Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: We’re so perfect for each other
Married Couple, finishing each other’s sentences: WILL YOU LET ME FINISH??!!
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.