i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
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Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
[commencement speech]
when I look out at all your faces, I see future leaders & scientists who will change the world, I also see probable felons & a whole bunch of divorcees, some of you will be great inventors, some of you will get a dui and- what? no I don’t go to this school
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.