Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
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roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Him: Can you please stop using the bananas like they are phones
Me: But how am I supposed to contact the gorillas
Him: You’re unbelievable!
Gorilla *over banana*: When are you leaving him?
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
A kid in the grocery store screamed “I’M COMING FOR YOU, CORNDOGS!” as his dad opened the freezer, and I felt jealous that he has a catchphrase at age 10.