told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
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*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
me on ellen
ellen: so i heard you love the ocean
me: ya
(the studio starts flooding)
me: omg ellen you didn’t
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.