Was it something I said?
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My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Just this preview of the story is enough
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick