JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
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Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free shoes”
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
that’s really how it is
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
you will never know the true number of layers
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.