Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
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INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
The government even made aliens boring
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.