Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
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Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Growing up was a huge mistake
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Pretty sure this owl hates everything 🤣🤣🤣
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I feel pretty confident that I could eat my way out of a vat of mashed potatoes.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.