*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
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The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
*uneasily answers phone
‘Guess who?’
David?
‘No’
John?
‘No’
Mike?
‘No’
Steve?
‘No, I made you very happy the other night’
Haagen Daz?
‘NO’
Pizza Hut?
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.