Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
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I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
When someone says you are so lazy
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26