Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
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Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
sir, my pâté if you please
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy Derek charge his wife for martinis
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living