Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
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Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
Me: *body contorted into the most uncomfortable position known to humankind*
Every fitness instructor ever: Keep your core tight.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow