“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
You Might Also Like
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I SAID: How’s vacation going?
MY PARENTS HEARD: I’ve got a couple hours, can you tell me every intricate detail about the weather? Start with the day you left.
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
motivation
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Sorry I made promises on Friday
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor