[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
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My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.