Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
I am having an out of money experience.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish