An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
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Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose