describing stardew valley
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
ok like just. call me at this point
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
The prophecy is fulfilled
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
iPhone X
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?