The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
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me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
WIFE: what’s going on?
ME: [locking the door] I haven’t had an apple in 3 days
DOCTOR: [outside, stethoscope in hand] I can hear u breathing
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
Strangers have the best candy.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]