Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
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Twitter dot com. *sigh*
My kids never meet a drink he couldn’t spill
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding