Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
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The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.