Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
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Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
[Leaving for work]
*can’t find computer bag*
*looks for computer bag*
*finds computer bag*
*sets down computer bag*
*uses restroom*
*can’t find computer bag*
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
What a kind woman! 😂😂
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one