Shovelling the driveway with a heating pad jammed down the back of my shirt, the extension cord attached to the house like I’m an astronaut.
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“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms
Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit
Son using Ouija board: HEY MA
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
A fondue party… But instead of bread, it’s more cheese. And instead of people, it’s even more cheese.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
*updates tinder bio*
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you