How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
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POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
We’ve all been there
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors