[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
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serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Facebook 2007: are you a teenager who wants to find out if your crush is single?
Facebook 2017: are you an aunt who wants revenge
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Lou loved his job but if he had a nickel for every time someone asked if he was “monitoring the situation” he would never have to pay for another rat dinner.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
I couldn’t find my car scraper this morning so I had to use a store discount card to scrape the ice. Didn’t really work tho, only got 20% off.
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions: