Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
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If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
Man down! Send in back up!
*wife comes rushing in the room*
“What happened?!”
*i dip another chip in the salsa to rescue the broken chip*
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Word!
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
I have no passwords left in me