During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
You Might Also Like
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
#SCOTUS one-star review
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
Nothing freaks me out like trying to remember which brownies I packed in my son’s lunch box
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“FOR [sound of robot-computer meltdown/Buckethead noise] PRESS 1
FOR [feint but audible screams of someone being chased in woods] PRESS 2”