captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
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🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
Thanks to ChristianMingle, I met the woman I will put through a terrifying emotional rollercoaster before I finally come out of the closet.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida